I have ideas they're just not the ones you want to hear.

We bought a zoo

I don't normally quote on here but i really like this one. It's from we bought a zoo and it's actually a pretty good way to live your life.

"All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come of it."

Live like the people you're envious of.

Did you ever care?

I want to be quoted

Almost believe

I could almost believe that you love me or at least care...if only a little. but I'm not stupid... not nearly as stupid as you seem to think. I know you don't love me, don't care, hell do you even like me?

Final glimpse

"You know I don't like to think about it" She had said to me. "I can't even entertain the thought of you. You're just too good and pure but nothing else is... and if I think about it... you, then I wouldn't be able to do it...and I need to. I need to do it, so this is going to be the last time I see you." And it was the last time she saw me, but not the last time I saw her. I caught one final glimpse as they closed the casket and she didn't look any happier.

Right about everything

So what is it. Why do you do it? You actually think you can destroy me? You think you can hurt me? You can bring me down reduce me to well... nothing. Well then I guess you where right.

As I'm free falling to what ever awaits me I have a horrible and wonderful, terrifying and hopeful thought... What if the world is a good place.

She was a little girl once

She was a little girl then, so full of hopes and dreams. She was a little girl then so alive so pure. She was a little girl not yet exposed to the world. She never thought never dreamed of such evil. Never thought she'd find it, never thought it'd be lurking in you. She was a little girl then, one that trusted you completely looked up to you needed you. She was just a little girl when you ripped open the protective little bubble she hide inside of so carefully constructed. She was a little girl, when you destroyed her. Now she's just a broken adult.

Don't destroy yourself, it's never worth it.

Clinging

She feels the need to hate something but it's not fair to hate others just to hate. So she projects it onto herself. But she's happy now, happy with herself, so how do you hate what makes you happy? You don't, you destroy the happiness until all that's left is hurt. Because it's easy to hate something that hurts. But even then there's a little bit left, something to be happy about so she clings to it, never to let it g0. And that's good but it works the same with hurt an hate, she'll cling to it and never let go. With every smile she gives to someone that hurts her it grows, until she's left clinging to the happiness yet again.

Different

But what if I wasn't her, what if I wasn't that girl? What if one thing was different. If I acted different looked different. If I had a different life different parents, different childhood, different friends? How different would I have to be?

To be anybody else

She screams "I don't want to live this life, I don't want to be this girl, any more". And so she runs and runs, but she is her. She tries so hard not to be her but she is because you can't run away from yourself.

Pushed over

I trusted you, so much, I needed to be able to. But you, you hurt me so, so much. I let you do it too, let you take me there. I knew knew it was a bad idea but I needed you so I just went. I never went to the cliff, you knew I couldn't, that I wasn't ready to, and on that night... Even the weather told me not to go. The rain dreanched my hair the second I steped outside. I immedality missed the warmth of the fire, when the door slamed behind leaving me with you. Oh but you just smiled and I couldn't say no, I needed you and you needed this, so I went. When we pulled up to the waves grew somewhat stronger as if they knew. Where they in on it to? the grass was slippery, I'm sure that what you told everybody, but why was I there? What did you tell them about that? We sat there for hours and I relaxed slightly but then the waves crashed harder, they were tired of waiting. My body begain to stiffen and I think you saw it so you gave me my last gift, it was a kiss, exactlly what I thought I needed from you then you looked me in the eye and pushed.

Thank you

Thank you to everyone, you has given their lives to protect us. And every one who supports them in anyway.

use for me

What's what's your use for me?
why do you keep me, with all of the trouble?
Just find another, we're all alike us girls, with no no personality.
You need someone interesting, someone original to be with to love.
Me? Darling I'm just well I'm just regenerating everything I hear. Everything I see. There's nothing nothing interesting about me. Is there? But no there has to be something something about me that draws you in something to make you stay. Or is it just that I'm good at copying and I've made a copy of you. I'm so so much like you because I've stolen everything I love, and it just happens to be what you love to. But if I'm just like you then you don't love me, you could never love me because you don't love yourself.

It won't help

They feed off the destruction and pain you cause.
It won't help when you hurt your self
You think you can make it right if you hurt they'll stop.
It's not about Karma, not about fair, not even about you.
They want hurtpaindestruction and anyone ANYONE... who'll give it to them.
They don't give a fuck weather you live or die. They just want you to hurt.
But if you do, if you do die then they'll have you and you'll be forever theirs, always always feeding them.
It won't help.
That's why they keep you.

To forever

If I asked you to come would you follow me?
To forever.
Would you be with me?
To forever.
But am I needy because I need you?
Not according to you.
Apparently you need me to.

Running

Running, running, why why are you always running. From the fears? The looks? the judgements? Or is it me? Are you running running running away from me to them? Or them to me? Where where where where are you running running running to? Why why why do you want to go and leave leave leave? I need you to tell me. Stay stay stay because I can't go with you. But I need need need you.

The Monsters in your head

Running away from the world and it monsters, will only get you so far.
The monsters you're trying so desperately to escape, can find you. They can see you, all of the time- you can't, can't, CAN NOT escape them.
For you see these are not the world's monsters, you're running from. They did not spon from some greater evil. To find them just look into your mind. To destroy them, stop destroying yourself.

Dance

Dance, dance.
To the music you make, you sing aloud the most beautiful song.
Every breath you take makes such a sweet sound.
And darling every word is beautiful.

We can have the world.

Run away with me.
We can have the world, that's what they told me.
It's ours if we want it.
But we can't, can't have it if we stay here, in this oppressive town.
We need to leave go far, far away.
To the big city, we can have it if we want. It's ours, it's ours.
Or a small town, in the country, get a house far, far away from everybody. The streams, the meadows, the fires and all of the, all of the stars. Ours too.
We can have the world is what they told me.
So darling run, run away with me.

Embarrassing story time

Not normally what I write on here but... Embarrassing story time.

So I tried to go apple picking for a grad class event. The people I was driving up, decided not to go so I just drove by myself. After getting lost -even though I've been since told there is a clear sign telling me which way to go- I drove around for 45 minuets. So after a while I decided to turn around. I then saw a dirt road and thought "Hey I wonder if there are apples down here"...There weren't -_-, but there was a house. So after discovering that backing up the winding dirt road was going to be difficult I went to turn around. While turning I drove over a piece of pipe and got stuck. Great... So I got out of the car leaving it in neutral and running, then locked myself out of the car... After freaking out because my wallet and phone are in the car. I go up and awkwardly flag down this guy who lets me use his son's house phone that was a awkward car ride. While I'm using the phone his daughter-in-law and him are talking about her sex life with his son... So I call my Dad... he doesn't even seem surprised. Anyway the guy I flagged down came back and opened the door and towed me out.

So long story short.. Got lost... Got stuck... Got locked out...

Dream big but live small,
that's all you've ever done.
All you've ever known.

Laugh quite and cry loud.
That's all I've ever heard.

Twisted smile

Twisted into what could pass as a smile, I washed your lips move as you lied to yet another. You smirked and she smiled really smiled. It was the last one she'd give. The next time I saw her was with you, she smiled at me then but it wasn't a real smile, her lips barely curled and her eyes glistened. She was broken but still fixable. You kept her until she gave up. I saw her yesterday in sweats and a permanent frown.

Breath in,
"You're worthless"
Breath out
"You don't deserve to be treated like a human"
Breath in
"If you don't like it leave"
Breath out
"Ungreatful"
Breath in
"Bitch"
Breath out
"I'll take everything"
Breath in
"I don't care"
Breath out
"You don't deserve what you have"
Breath in
"Sit back down, I'm not done"
Breath out
Breath in...in...in...

Your throat closes of and you gasp in short little breaths to stay alive. But why what are you living for? It's scarier that you don't know why.

Fix the world

You just stared.
You watched it happen.
Let her break.
Is that a smile I see?
Did you really want this?

You sick fuck.

You act noble.
Try to fix the world.
Save the broken.

But really you wanted to see her destroyed.
And you did.
But just once.
You'll never see it again.
She's stronger this time.

Every person deserves to be treated with respect. Every person deserves to be treated like a human.

I am a human and you don't have a right to judge me.

Without you

I watched you walk anyway from me.
Your face was blank, emotionless.
I bagged you to stay.
I can't do this without you.
Please.
I screamed and screamed until my voice was horse.
I needed you then.

But I don't need you now

You came back several years later.
Expecting me to have waited for you.
Expecting to see just as broken as I was the day you left.
I'm not.
I'm ok now.
I don't need you to tell me that.

You broke me before.
Just so you could fix me.
But you left before you finished.
But it's ok, I found the glue.
And I better for it.
I'm just better without you.

This time he didn’t follow, he never would again.

Expect perfection

She kills herself, everyday, trying to be what you need. She just wants you to be there, somewhere in her life. She needs you, more and more everyday. And everyday you drift just a little bit further away.

Why, why are you so angry all of the time. Why are you so disappointed at everything.

You can't expect perfection, you'll never find it. You'll never have it.

And she's sick of trying to give it to you. You're supposed to love her, be proud. She tries so hard. But she has a life, one that doesn't belong to you. It's not yours. You have one, live that one, give her hers.

Sure you pretend, you love her, you care... She can tell you know. She sees the looks you give her, the sighs, the clipped tone. She knows you don't love her. She's not perfect, she'll never be perfect.

Just change

Just change.

Change everthing about you.

Conform.

To the ways of this world.

Fit in.

To those around you.

Smile.

Even when you don't want to.

Laugh.

When it's not funny.

Protecting you

I dreamt about it again last night, the way the light shone off the blade as it plunged into you. The look of shock but not hatred... why don't you hate me? It was hurt and betrayal but not hatred How could it not be hatred? You were always so trusting, too trusting, I've always told you that. the world it just isn't what you think-thought- what you thought it was. The world it- can be a bad bad place, full of bad people. But you'd just laugh and say I was paranoid and that the world isn't a bad place. Oh but it is, I know it is and I just wanted you to see that, so you didn't get hurt. That's all I was trying to do, I was protecting you. But you never thought not even for a moment I would do it, not for a second. So when I came into your room that night crying you- you came and hugged me, I almost believed you in that moment, I almost believed there's good in the world, but, there isn't. So I pulled away, you looked hurt and I wanted nothing more then to pull you back in, hug you and say you're right. No that's a lie, what I really wanted to do was believe you're right; but you weren't. So then I showed you the knife the big butchers knife I toke from the kitchen, it shone in the moonlight but you didn't move just looked at me like you always did. You didn't believe I'd do it and really I didn't want to, I really didn't want to. But I was protecting you, I was showing you that you're wrong, I was helping, I was- was protecting you.

Wish

If I could have one thing one wish, would I have the courage to wish for something to benefit the world? Something for the greater good of humanity? Or would I just wish for something I want something that's mine? Would I regret making a selfless wish? I know I would, every time I would use what I wanted I would regret not having it I'd be angry. But would I feel guilty wishing for something that's mine. I know I would every single time it benefited me or every single time someone else could have used my wish.

Good enough

Good enough? Am I good enough for you? Am I all that you hoped for or am I just a way to pass time? How much time are you looking to waste? How long are you planning on playing this little game of yours? You can't just come into my life and-and change everything. No, no this will not do at all.

She's Always Running

Looking down at the swirling red liquid in her glass, she could almost imagine him there. If she closes her eyes really tight she could see them dancing or laughing or just... just talking. The first night they met he had recued her from some jerk at the bar only to turn into that jerk. She thought rejecting him would be enough but men like that just can't refuse a challenge, so the next night when she showed up he was there, waiting for her. Finally she gave in and danced then he took her for coffee the next day, and that was it. He had her, and she was his until she just got up and walked away. Thinking about it still hurts and she doesn’t know why she did it and even now almost a year later tucked away it the darkest corner of the club she misses him. But even so when he finally sees her and starts to make his way over she runs away. She's always running.

Can't have everything

Why can't I be happy and still be able to write? Every time I come on here happy I get just a little depressed and then when I try to write I either can't do it or I have to let go of the fragile happiness I been holding so dearly. I'm not sure writing is worth it, maybe it's better just to let it go, but I was so hoping to have both.

Anything at all

What would you be if you had the ability to change into anything? But you can only change once and you can not go back. Would you change at all? Would you become a big terrifying monster who could crush anyone in your path? There's a price to pay for that life. Would you shrink, to the smallest creature imaginable so small no one would see you much less care. And if they don't care they can't hurt you. You could all but disappear. No, there's a price for that life too.

Change

What are you willing to give for stability? And what about happiness? The two are not the same, it fact they're resisting forces. You have to give in and change or you'll break. If you're counting until it's not your decision and you can no longer resit change- and I've heard you counting- then it's time to do it.

I just need to keep this email from my Dad I don't know why I just do...


"I do not see any humour in this. We are both trying to get our jobs done and neither of us needs this kind of crap disturbing our work. We go out of our way to help you out. We take you almost anywhere you want to go. We prepare meals for you and do your laundry to ensure you can go to school and work. We clean up the house after you. We sew on your badges for cadets and cover the cost of you going to the Y. We are paying for your camp this summer with the jobs you are trying to keep us from doing. We rushed home on Saturday so you could be picked up from work incase you did not have a key. And for all we do we ask very little. If you feel you can handle those things yourself and do not want to be a part of our family by helping us out keep up your bull shit and you will find out how far we can be pushed. Do what ever you want today. Stress out your mother all day long because it WILL be the last time it happens. You get a hell of a lot more out of us than we get out of you so go ahead and see how much you can live without. You have had all day to clean your room. It is now 2:30. In two hours you should be able to get most of it done"

New Attitude

I find this new attitude kind of concerning. I'd be a little taken back and not all together trust you if you were "just playing nice". But it's not just that is it? You're being weird. You're stopping mid way through an insult. Trying to hid your disappointments. Masking the pain. It's almost is if you're trying. I just can't figure out why.

FUCK

Well fuck. It's back; the constant reminder of the fact, I AM NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. The feeling in the bottom of my stomach making me drag myself though every day. She's back or at least she's coming back. Well she never left. Her voice is low and raspy now but it's getting clearer I can hear it. "You pathetic fucking wast of space DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR GOD DAM LIFE". She threatens me, laughs at me, and she knows everything. She knows my past my weak spots and she knows exactly what to do to make me hurt. And I can't hide it she knows. Well FUCK.

Writing

Writing is a lot like vomit, when you get inspired it just comes. Then you have to clean it up.

Practising smiles

Starring in the mirror, practising smiles.
I see you looking at me searching for something
wrong. I flash you my favorite. You accept it. How fitting.
"It's not lie. It just misleads." "I never said it you assumed"
Every things fine. I didn't hurt her. She'll be OK. but will
I? Will you? I'm not lying to you. I never said it,
You assumed. And that's. just. wrong. Now you're
Starring in the mirror, practising smiles.

So, is this the end? Are you leaving? All the nights I screamed at you to leave and I don't want to see you go. But when you settle back in it rotes my soul. I think you have to leave. But can you just stay.

Hold on

"Just hold my hand" I said again the desperation breaking my voice. "Just take it" barly above a wisper tears threatening. "Please" It was nothing but a wimper. And all you did was stare.

Looking guilty

You know why.
Why they stare at you,
Their judgemental eyes pricing the outer layer seducting the soul to talk.
They, obsessively know just by looking at you
You're pathetic, gross disgusting.
They may not know your past but they know the type.

You fucking look guilty.

Stay this way

Can, Can we just stay like this?

Do, do we have to leave?

Things! do they have toooo change.
We've! we've worked it out so far.
I just don't know what I'd do.
I don't know where I'd go.

But the memories here are just too strong.
(The memories here are just too strong.)

So I've packed my bags.
closed my eyes.
Wiped your tears and said goodbye.

For a sec-ond I---------- heard the shot.
Then I felt the blooood running down my neck.
Then blackness fell
and I went away.
because things, things just couldn't stay this way.

A child's treasure

We were taking the long way because the last time we toke the short way we found a dead bird. It was still a short walk to the park only about five minuets but still a great journey. Our little feet moved slowly savouring the freedom. Then we stumbled upon a treasure it was amazing to behold the sight of a discarded fork. In perfect condition it's still shined in the high sun. We didn't disturb our treasure but left it there for the next traveler to find.

I walked to the park today and on my way found a discarded fork, it's amazing how wasteful people can be. How disgusting they can be leaving garbage every where.

How little it means

I just realised how little all that really means to me. All those care free days we spent, acting like retards. They weren't care free I had to try. I kept up an act I hated, to do things that annoy me with people I'm not very fond of. Years have passed since we last spoke and I don't think of you often. I was reading though some of the things we had on facebook. Things that were oh so important at the time. The reasons you were my Best Friend. And I realised how little it means to me. I'm not going to lie, I sometimes find myself missing it. But not tonight because tonight it doesn't mean much. And sweety, neither do you.

Anticipation

Spin me around once,
Twice,
Three times.

Walk. Sit. And now you leave.

When I open my eyes I am sitting alone in a fallen forest. The dead leaves sheltering me from the ground. Everything except the wind is quite. It was hitting my face as we walked. Laughing at my discontent at getting my wish. I wanted to leave and now I have. When I stand the wind falls silent in anticipation. I know which way we came. A quick glace back and I keep walking. A smile creeps it's way across my face as I wipe away the last tear I'll ever shed for you.

Broken smile

Through blurred eyes I can see your broken smile. It's barley above a frown just slightly curled. Lips separated to suggest teeth. I can't help but smirk at your pain. It's laughable.

Fight for your life.

You're fighting for your life. Holding on to the last bits of reality sensibility even fear, anything to keep fighting. It brings tears to your eyes when you think of it, your throat closes and it seems like they win. So you push it out of your mind as quickly as possible. A scream usually does it but with others in the house alternative methods must be found. I pull my hair it gets those feelings out then bury my head in hopes they won't be able to find me.

I'm worried about you.
Shut up you did this and I'm not falling for that. Every time I forgive you, you betray me.
You mustn't be so paranoid.
You're a fucking bitch get out of my head.

Old habits

I promised myself 2011 was going to be a good year yet I've fallen into old habits. I try to avoid sleep because in those minuets to hours I'm laying in dark I have nothing to distract me from these thoughts. On the off chance I manage to fall asleep quickly I see a scorpion stinging me or a spiders crawling on me. After jolting to concessions I check my bed searching every blanket separately and even though it's -20C and my room is the coldest in the house I throw my blankets on the floor because I just can't do it. When I can't sleep I lay there and the thoughts attack me. I pull on my hair trying to force them out and bury my head under my pillow so maybe they won't be able to find me but they always do. But horrible as sleeping is being awake is worst.

The smile

I look at you and see that half smile the right side of your mouth curled up. That's your fake smile. When you see my disappointment you put in some teeth but you still can't muster up enough joy to lift the left side. So my eyebrows furrow and my smile weekends. That's my fake smile. You see it and I straighten my eye brows. The right side of your mouth lifts. We look away to avoid the disappointment in each other's eyes.
When did we start this game?

Paper girl

Paper words describing a paper girl so fragile and delicate.
A sigh can blow you out of my life.
Your so easily lost amongst my papers many of them blank just there to create a distraction so I can not find you.
I'll pin you on my wall so that you can never leave.
And when ever I look you'll be smiling back at me.

But when I close my eyes at night
And you think I drifted off to sleep
I can hear you softly weep.
And when I wake
I see the smile
But I know it's fake

So I unpin you from my wall
and out of my life you crawl.

Paper Words

I can see it in your words. They are nothing more then ink on paper but I can hear the disappointment in yourself the hatred. You're so willing to accept you did something wrong. You can only see your faults you don't see the beautiful mind. You want to be perfect but perfection is hideous why would you want to trow away something as wonderful as yourself?